August 11, 2003
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in this issue
-- Research Results Just In
-- The World's Greatest Salesman
-- Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
-- These are Really good books
-- About Dick Larkin
-- This Week in Pictures
-- Age Old Question . . .
-- I'll bet he's wearing a really wetsuit
-- Cold Steel on Ice
-- Is Ketchup Still a Vegetable?
-- Harley Philosophy
-- This Week's Brainteaser

Research Results Just In back to top
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OK, here's the deal . . .

I'm a masochist. What I mean by that is I've read nearly every book written about sales. Every month some new charlatan comes along beating his drum promising to unlock the secret back door to success. Every month I keep being sucked in like some drooling hillbilly gawking at a traveling sideshow.

To be fair, most books on sales DO offer a morsel or two of useful information. The problem is that the good stuff is usually buried under heaps of horse feathers. (I don't exactly know what horse feathers are, but it was the cleanest phrase I could think up.)

I was tired of shelling out my money for somebody else's BS, so I devised my own half-baked theories on Behavioral Selling (B.S.).

To test the validity of my notions, I contacted the Larkin Institute of Clever Keywords and Meaningless Exercises and commissioned a massive research study to analyze behaviors of sales people.

The diligent researchers toiled most of the afternoon and consumed nearly half a box of Klondike Bars. The results of the study so astonished the researchers that the entire staff took two days to contemplate the far-reaching implications while at the beach.

I have summarized the research findings below.

The newest statistics on Behavioral Selling reveal fascinating insights. The Larkin Institute guarantees that these are the freshest B.S. statistics available (because I just made them up this morning). For every problem identified, I wrote a special B.S. training program that will make me rich . . . err, I mean, help you overcome your obstacles in selling.

Finding #1 - 95% of sales people below quota don't see enough people.

Solution: Buy our $99 report titled, "See More People."

Finding #2 - 88% of failing sales people don't chart and monitor their daily activity to figure out which actions result in success.

Solution: Buy our $75 report titled, "Whatcha Doin?" which gives you a 7-step program for writing down what you're doing.

Finding #3 - 100% of prospects that want "a few days to think it over" will never, ever, ever call the sales rep with a purchase order. Life is harsh. Too bad, so sad . . . get over it.

Solution: Order our $300 report "People Lie About Calling Back - 50 Ways to Answer a Phone that Isn't Ringing."

Finding #4 - 98% of presentations that conclude without the sales rep asking for the order will not result in a sale.

Solution: Order our $25 report of snappy closes titled, "You want fries with that?"

Finding #5 - 100% of the customers only care about themselves and have absolutely zero interest in what a sales person wants to sell. If you can't figure out what your customer wants, and give it to him/her, you cannot sell him/her.

Solution: Buy our complete $300 report titled, "Whaddya Want?" to ensure your success in sales.

If you'd like any of the above mentioned reports, send me a check and I'll get the report right out to you.

Here's what happened the last time we did research.

The World's Greatest Salesman back to top
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I really don't know if the following story is true or not.

If it was false, I'd still tell it, but at least I'd know I was lying.

Several years ago, Merv Griffin was the host of the most popular talk show on television, "Late Night with David Letterman." No, seriously it was called "The Merv Griffin Show."

One day, he interviewed a guy who claimed the title "The World's Greatest Salesman."

Merv decided to have a little fun with his guest. He asked the salesman, "Why don't you try and sell me something?"

The salesman responded, "Well Merv, what would you like to buy?"

"How about this ashtray?"

"OK, what would you do with it if you had it?"

"I dunno, probably keep my change in it I guess."

"Alright, about how much would you be willing to pay for something like that?"

"How about a dollar?"

"Sold!"



Now you can't go around selling other people's ashtrays, but I think that there's a lesson in there.

Clearly, the salesman didn't try to sell Merv anything, he found out what Merv wanted and helped him get it.

Maybe YOU could be more successful if you figure out what your customers want and then help them get it.

Think about it.

Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser back to top
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Buford loves a fine cigar after a meal, but he can't buy cigars with food stamps.

Because cigars cannot be entirely smoked, Buford has come up with a solution. He collects cigar butts and can make a cigar to smoke out of every 3 butts that he finds.

Today, he has collected 27 cigar butts. How many cigars will he be able to smoke?

Click Here to See the Answer & Our Winner

These are Really good books back to top
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	This is my favorite book on Yellow Pages advertising. It helps anyone who relies on the Yellow Pages for customers to design ads that will have the maximum impact. It's specifically targeted to attorneys, but the lessons apply to every Yellow Pages advertiser. Buy it at Amazon
	This is a wonderful motivational book for people who are naturally skeptical about puffery. It was written by Barry Maher, a former Yellow Pages super star who has become one of the nation's most popular motivational speakers. Plus, he's also a Notre Dame guy like me. Buy it at Amazon
	Barry's new book is just about to ship. It's "No Lie - Truth is the Ultimate Sales Tool." He uses real world examples to show how to handle the perceived negatives of your product or service and use them to your advantage. Barry's approach makes for customer service that extends far beyond any sale. Buy it at Amazon

About Dick Larkin back to top
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Dick Larkin is a writer and speaker who takes important business issues and makes them interesting and funny through his sharp wit.

His specialty is local marketing. Specifically, he focuses on Internet Advertising, Electronic Newsletters and Yellow Pages. Dick has helped over a quarter of a million local businesses find new customers through the Internet and the Yellow Pages.

His philosophy is, "Smiles can't be stockpiled."

Check out Dick's Website

This Week in Pictures back to top
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Oh sure, when I need assistance, AAA sends out an irritated grease monkey named Louie.

Why you MUST use images in your advertising.

Age Old Question . . . back to top
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So I guess this begs the age old question . . .
"Which came first, the chicken or the goofball?"

Advice for California Gubernatorial Candidates

I'll bet he's wearing a really wetsuit back to top
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I used to say that a bad day surfing was better than a good day at the office. Now I'm not so sure.

Does Willard Scott know about this?

Cold Steel on Ice back to top
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Yeah, I know how you feel.

Is Ketchup Still a Vegetable? back to top
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Simple pleasures for simple people.

That's my motto.

Harley Philosophy back to top
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The guy running Harley-Davidson understands that complacency is an early warning sign of future failure.

Having thousands of angry bikers depending on you ought to be motivation enough.

This Week's Brainteaser back to top
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Buford's mother, Penny, was always proud of sharing her name with the one-cent coin. When she named her three children, she decided to share the wealth.

Her first child was born right here in the good old USA, so she named him "Dollar Bill."

Her second child was born in Bonn, Germany, so she named him Deutschmark. (They call him Mark).

Finally, her third son was born in Paris, France. Can you guess what she named him?

Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com

We'll select one entry to receive a pump action bottle-popper.