March 11, 2003
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In This Issue
-- Quick . . . go get some paint thinner
-- One Nation Under Moe
-- Denny's Approach to Literacy
-- Action Plan for Marketers: The Denny's Close
-- Answer to Brain Teaser
-- Buy Me a Beer
-- This Week in Pictures
-- Yellow Pages I.M.A. Searching for New Head
-- Granny Rider
-- Bush Diplomacy
-- This Week's Brain Teaser

Nearly every Yellow Pages publisher has statistics showing how display advertisements generate many more calls compared to in-column informational text ads.

I'm usually skeptical of any survey that supports someone (in this case advertisers) spending more money with the person conducting the research.

As I was preparing this week's newsletter, I came across the U.S. Department of Education website and found the National Adult Literacy Survey. I was pretty shocked about what the report said. The survey interviewed 13,600 adults in their homes and asked them to provide background information and to complete a booklet of literacy tasks.

Quick . . . go get some paint thinner
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The study divided the US population into 5 levels of reading comprehension.

What they found was that nearly
90 million adults or approximately 47 percent of American adults are at the two lowest levels of literacy.




This means that half of the population relies more heavily on pictures than words because they can barely read English.

I now understand why ads with pictures have a major advantage over ones with only words.

No matter how you slice it, half of the people are always below average.

Why Nobody Advertises in the Yellow Pages

One Nation Under Moe
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What makes this level of literacy even more frightening is that the adults reading at the lowest levels do not necessarily feel that they need to improve their literacy skills.

They don't realize that they can barely read.


Three-fourths of adults scoring in the lowest level and over 90 percent of those in the second lowest level described themselves as being able to read and write English "well" or "very well."

They probably actually responded to the survey by saying that "they was purty good readers."

12 Fun Facts about Ohio

Denny's Approach to Literacy
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I used to be a regular patron of the Denny's restaurant halfway between Rush Street (Chicago's night club district) and my apartment.

I didn't go there for fine dining. They just happened to be lit up all night (and so was I).

Also, their menu had pictures on it so I could order even if I was temporarily unable to read. (Imagine that!)

Denny's management has known for years that people rely on pictures as well as text. They show a photograph of each item, and they include a complete description.

Here's their description of their Chicken Melt.

Chicken Melt
Grilled breast of chicken atop lettuce and tomato and topped with melted Cheddar cheese. All piled on a freshly grilled hoagie bun that's lightly seasoned with a zesty garlic spread. Served with fries.

Dang, I'm getting hungry!

When you put the description together with a photograph, you've got a powerful message.

Here's some free advice...
Put big color pictures in your Yellow Pages ads to reach the broadest audience. Without the pictures, lots of people won't pay attention.

11 Fun Facts about Nebraska

Action Plan for Marketers: The Denny's Close
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OK, so maybe Denny's never closes. But our account executives better.
(Man, how lame was that?)

When a potential advertiser doesn't see the value in a display advertisement, use
The Denny's Close.

It goes something like this.

Mr. Advertiser, have you ever eaten at Denny's?

You know how their menu has photographs of every dish.

Want to know why they do that?

Denny's understands that half of the people in the US can barely read. It doesn't mean that those people are stupid, it's just that they are more comfortable with pictures than words.

Denny's puts pictures on their menu so people can order by pointing. The menu also has a complete description for people who want more information.

In the Yellow Pages, people naturally look at the pictures first. If your ad doesn't have pictures, you're missing half of the population that doesn't read well.

The easier you make it for people to do business with you, the more customers you will get.

People who aren't strong readers still spend lots of money.

The billionaire Ross Perot has dyslexia and sometimes has difficulty reading. There is also a major chunk of the population with a primary language other than English. (My friend Buford is a good example. We can't quite identify his primary language, but we're working on it.)

These people all regularly purchase goods and services. You might do very nicely catering to them a little bit.

Aim a Little Lower
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Sadly, literacy rates are likely to go down over the next decade. If you need proof, open TV Guide and examine the intellectual level of television show programming compared to ten, twenty or thirty years ago.

Compare the quality of writing of The Anna Nicole Show to "I Love Lucy", to see what I mean.

1951	vs	2002
One more indication that we're playing in the shallow end of the gene pool.

The Legend of Moby Dork

Answer to Brain Teaser
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Here is a photo of Buford's family homestead before the accident. More on that later.

It's not much to look at, but it's mostly paid for.


For your recollection, here is last week's puzzler...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Buford recently held a 125th birthday party for the Yellow Pages. He invited his identical twin brother Festus and his lovely cousins Big Bertha and Mabel to join him. Being of uncommon breeding, all four have special dietary needs so Buford prepared separate gourmet meals for each.

He deep-fried a possum (the other white meat), a raccoon, a river rat and a Twinkie. The four of them sat around a square table in Buford's doublewide for the feast.

The raccoon eater sat to the left of Big Bertha. Mabel and Festus sat next to each other. The river rat eater sat across from Buford. A girl sat to the left of the Twinkie eater.

Which food does each person eat?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

YeeHah! The grub was gived out amongst 'em as follows:

Mabel et the rat.
Big Bertha et the possum.
(Ladies first!)
Festus et the Twinkie.
Buford had hisself a raccoon.


Our WINNER and proud owner of a new bottle-popper is Steve Fowler of Associated Publishing in San Angelo, TX

I have personally tested the bottle popper on Lone Star longnecks and can attest for its veracity.

Thanks for all the entries everyone.

What's a Bottle-Popper?

Buy Me a Beer
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Speaking of beer, the Yellow Pages industry is divided with the utility publishers and the independent publishers fighting each other. With all of the recent activity, that distinction is getting a little fuzzy, but then again so is my logic.

I'm quite pleased that 1/3rd of my newsletter subscribers are utility publisher employees. I also have 1/3 independents, 1/3 CMRs (agencies) and 1/3 civilians.

If the literacy statistics are correct, about half of my subscribers are functionally illiterate. (Why do you think I have so many pictures?)

Regardless of their ability to read, the industry event where people from all disciplines come together is the Kelsey Group's Directory Driven Commerce Conference. The next one is in Denver from July 21-23.

My personal experience is that Kelsey brings together the broadest mix of the movers and shakers compared to the other industry events. While the sessions are usually valuable, I prefer the networking. (hic!)

My friend and mentor, the late Joe Wazny introduced me to the Kelsey Conferences. I now make a point to attend every one.

If you'll be at DCC in Denver, drop me a line. I'd like to say hello.

Heck, maybe you can even buy me a beer. It would certainly be my pleasure.

More information about the conference here

This Week in Pictures
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The French Parliament met this week to discuss the situation in Iraq.

Worst Interest Creating Remarks

Yellow Pages I.M.A. Searching for New Head
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With Executive Director John Greco's recent departure, the Yellow Pages Integrated Media Association is searching for a new head.


I hope the new leader is a strong unifying force for the industry.

YPIMA Web Site Link

Granny Rider
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Winona Rider's grandmother was arrested this week trying to shoplift a bus schedule.

But Wait . . . There's More

Bush Diplomacy
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President Bush decided to cut through some of the U.N.'s diplomatic red tape.

The 2-Minute Harmonic Convergence

This Week's Brain Teaser
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Buford and the Tornado

Buford's doublewide was blown to Munchkinland during a recent tornado. Now Buford, Festus and Big Bertha keep their belongings in shopping carts they stole from the Piggly Wiggly.

When they dine out at the Government cheese distribution center, they lock their carts together for safety. They each have their own locks (which they nabbed from the local elementary school bike rack).

Buford locks his cart to the fence and to Festus's cart. Festus locks his cart to the fence and to Big Bertha's cart. Big Bertha locks her cart to the fence and to both Buford's and Festus's carts. The three know their shopping carts are very safe. Each cart is locked with at least two locks. At the cheese center, however, Buford loses the key to his lock!

With the two keys they have, they can unlock only one of the carts. Whose cart is it?


Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com no later than Monday, March 17. We'll select one correct entry to receive a the world's coolest beer bottle popper.

Find past newsletters at www.DickLarkin.com