July 21, 2003
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in this issue
-- The Invisible Man
-- Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
-- Do Purple Cows Give Purple Milk?
-- This Week in Pictures
-- Love Tap
-- Dog Pile
-- J. Lo's new couch
-- Eye Candy
-- This Week's Brainteaser

The Invisible Man back to top
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In 1897, H. G. Wells wrote his thriller, "The Invisible Man." It's a tale of a young scientist's psychological torment that results when the experiments he performs on himself go horribly awry.

[Note to self: attempt dangerous experiments on other people first.]

As you could probably surmise from the book's title, the scientist becomes permanently invisible. The poor schlep is ultimately driven to murder and insanity from his self inflicted curse.

Being invisible is a horrible situation for the scientist as he comes to the realization that his ability to live and function is dependent on his being seen by other people.

Imagine that. . .

Did you know that thousands of businesses share the invisible man's curse every day?

Here's how it happens.

Let's say that Zsa Zsa needs someone to come to her home and clean her window treatments. She opens her telephone directory but then she hesitates.

Should she look under "Cleaners," "Drapery Cleaners," "Blinds- Cleaning," "House Cleaning," or "Window Cleaning"?

She selects the heading for what she really wants. . .

"Wealthy Old Men."

No seriously, she picks one of those cleaning related headings she was pondering. It doesn't really matter which one.

She makes her decision based on the listings and ads under that heading.

Meanwhile across town . . .

Our hero Buford, the owner and sole employee of "Buford's Mean Green Cleaning Machine" stares at his phone attempting to channel his mental powers to make it ring.

"Buford's Mean Green Cleaning Machine" primarily cleans carpets, (as shown here) but he also works his magic on window treatments, upholstery and small furry animals.

Unfortunately for Buford, he isn't featured (and therefore can't be found) under the heading that Zsa Zsa selected.

He has become . . . "The Invisible Buford" otherwise known as "Buford's Invisible Mean Green Cleaning Machine."

Zsa Zsa can't see him, because he has no presence in the heading where she's looking.

Across town in his office, a forlorn Buford sits alone like some abandoned, bucktoothed Maytag repairman.

Unlike H. G. Wells' fictional character who was doomed to a tortured life of invisibility, Buford has a powerful antidote.

He can remedy his situation by advertising his business under all of the headings that pertain to the services he performs.

I'd better get to the point before my readers become invisible too.

Hang on, here it comes . . .

When a buyer takes a look
Inside his telephone book
He's gonna overlook
The business with no hook

And unless I am mistook
He'll open his checkbook
For the businessman who took
The time to place a hook
In every little nook
Throughout the telephone book

So when the buyers look
In whichever nook they look

The guy who gets the call
Is the guy who's in them all


[Now say that 5 times fast!]

The Internet version of this is much simpler. . .

Rene Descartes' first rule of Internet advertising

"I link, therefore I am."

Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser back to top
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Buford has recently taken up coin collecting.

His coin dealer informed him that 1972 pennies are significantly more valuable than 1932 pennies.

Can you explain this strange phenomenon to our dim-witted numismatist?

I received many more wrong answers this week than usual.

Click Here to See the Answer & Our Winner

Do Purple Cows Give Purple Milk? back to top
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A while back, I reviewed this wonderful book. I highly recommend you shell out $13.97 and work on making yourself remarkable.

Here's my original review. Purple Cow Review

Buy this book and find your otaku

This Week in Pictures back to top
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This one was dripping with the awww factor.

There's nothing like a mother's love to make you feel warm and fuzzy.

Gee, I Thought He Was a Right Winger

Love Tap back to top
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This reel sent in by Don Jones, who I believe was the original drummer for The Turtles before dedicating himself to a career in electronic yellow pages.

Check Don's latest creation

Dog Pile back to top
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Curse you, Red Baron!

Foiled again.

The true story of BAND-AIDS

J. Lo's new couch back to top
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Think it'll be wide enough?

Results from our extensive Yellow Pages research study

Eye Candy back to top
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I can't tell if this is an optical illusion, or if I've had WAY too much coffee.

Help Wanted: Dead End Job

This Week's Brainteaser back to top
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There is a pole in a lake.

One-half of the pole is in the ground, another one-third of it is covered by water, and 9 ft is out of the water.

What is the total length of the pole in ft?

Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com

We'll select one entry to receive a pump action bottle-popper.

Quote of the week . . .

"Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Fourteen percent of all people know that."
- Homer Simpson

This quote provided by Alan Saltz, author of Legal Theft 2.0: Using the Yellow Pages to "Steal" Business from Your Competition!

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