Going to Hell in a Handbasket

I have come to hate TV news.

They keep telling us how bad the economy is. TV’s “talking heads” repeatedly confuse the daily performance of stock market with the overall condition of the US economy. In reality, the two are entirely different and shouldn’t be interchanged. Just yesterday, I heard a commentator say that we were all going to “hell in a handbasket” because the market dropped for several weeks in a row. puh-lease

I’m getting concerned, because if we are going to hell in a handbasket, I’m in deep trouble. The simple truth is that I don’t own a handbasket. It’s a little embarrassing, but I’m not even sure what a handbasket is. I’m thinking that it might be the wicker thing on the back of Elvira Gulch’s bicycle where she stashed Toto, but I certainly don’t understand how you’d ever get to hell in that thing. Oh, what a world, what a world.

To remedy the situation, I decided it was high time I get my very own handbasket. Frankly, I’d be embarrassed to be the only person in hell without one. So I went shopping in the one place I was certain I could find one for sale: eBay. If there were a handbasket to be had, some schmuck in Iowa would be selling it on eBay. I did an eBay search for “handbaskets”. Low and behold, there were none for sale. Not a single one. I’m thinking that if it’s not for sale on eBay, it probably doesn’t exist. That is certifiable proof that we can’t be going to hell in a handbasket simply because we can’t find any handbaskets.

Now that we have that settled, let’s move on.

Concerns about the economy are understandable, but let’s get real. When the stock market was soaring, it didn’t cause THAT many people to rush out and get their drains unclogged. “Marge, the market’s up. Call a plumber quick!” Conversely, I don’t see THAT many folks holding off on getting their toilets fixed simply because the Dow is back down. “Jimmy, cross your legs until the Dow gets over 5,000.”

Even if the market is in the toilet, the economy is still going to flow. (yikes, that was my all time worst pun. Well you know what they say, “When puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns”).

Look at the real numbers. Unemployment remains at historically low levels. Interest rates are rock bottom. Inflation is almost nonexistent. This economy has a lot more strength than the media might lead you to believe. The trouble is that if they came on TV and said, “Well, it was a pretty slow news day, not much happened” you’d turn the darned thing off and get a life. They have to keep people wound up enough to watch the diet food commercials.

In 1933 at the height of the Great Depression, FDR’s first inaugural address included the line, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Our nation was paralyzed with panic. But the real problem was that people stopped doing business simply because they were afraid that things were going to get worse before they got better. Changing the mentality of the country was FDR’s greatest legacy. Smart, forward thinking business people will use today’s uncertain market to aggressively capture market share from their weaker competition.

I do not believe that we will ever sink to the depths of the 1930s. The situations that caused the Depression are no longer with us, and there are many, many safeguards built into our financial system. Our economic system is organized in a way that keeps a full-scale downturn from turning into a panic.

All this leaves us with the issue that we are most concerned about. “What can I do to give myself job security in these uncertain times?”

I’ve compiled a few tips.

Work for a great organization. Even the best waiter on the Titanic had to know the backstroke. Fortunately, TransWestern is an organization that continues to prosper regardless of the state of the economy. The Yellow Pages industry is incredibly recession resistant. This is particularly true for the stronger publishers like TWP.

Show up early. I’m not advocating that you work overtime without compensation. I’m saying that being prepared BEFORE your day begins helps you be more focused and productive. It also sends a message to the organization that you are enthusiastic and motivated about your work.

See more people. As an outside salesperson, there is a direct correlation between to the number of people that you see and the number of sales that you make. Your sales will always be increased if you will make more complete presentations to qualified prospects. The difference between our Winner’s Circle and the rest of the pack is the number of complete presentations that they made to qualified prospects.

Improve your neatness. When I need a good laugh, I walk through our production facility and watch our graphic artists deciphering an ad layout sheet that resembles a dyslexic’s ransom note. When you’re preparing your paperwork, please remember that our production team does not possess psychic powers of channeling your thoughts. (This is probably a good thing).

Collect More Advance Payments. I cannot over emphasize the importance of Advance Payments.

First, Advance Payments help ensure that our Account Executives are not confusing sales with charity. It is very disappointing to see an Account Executive go through all of the effort required to put together a successful ad campaign, and then be charged back when the advertiser refuses to pay. Save your volunteer work for the Peace Corps, bring home a check.

Second, Advance Payments keep our cash flow high, and this enables us to acquire companies, retire debt and make payroll. Money may not buy you happiness, but it certainly beats the alternatives. (By the way, if you know of a publisher who does not collect advance payments, please let us know because we’ll probably be buying them before too long.)

Third, Advance Payments are proof that the advertiser is committed to their advertising package and not expecting to “cut and run” after the book is published. Cash is the one true measure of a completed sale. “It ain’t over ‘til the check clears.” If an advertiser absolutely refuses to pay anything in advance, imagine yourself working for free for them. A new advertiser is 500 times more likely to default than a renewing advertiser.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. – Jay Leno