December 22, 2003
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in this issue
-- The Richest Cheesecake in Washington
-- Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
-- 7 Step Wipeout Technique
-- This Week in Pictures
-- Enough to drive a squirrel nuts
-- Convenience Store
-- Who let these dogs out?
-- Beware of Dog? . . . I don't think so
-- The next best thing to an unlisted number
-- This Week's Brainteaser
-- Quote of the Week

This is the last newsletter for 3 weeks . . . read slowly.

Happy [fill in your own dang holiday]
Dick

The Richest Cheesecake in Washington back to top
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Johnny Lasagna is a roofing contractor near Alexandria, Virginia. Each year, he spends about $90,000 for his ads in the Verizon SuperPages. Beefy and good-natured, he's an aggressive marketer with ambitious plans to be the biggest roofer in the Washington DC area.

His full-page ad in the Verizon directory is placed behind three other roofers that have more seniority. Still, his ad is very successful and it makes him quite a lot of money. He had never bothered advertising with any other directory besides Verizon for the last dozen years. Why should he? Don't mess with success, right?

When a new independent telephone directory entered the market a few years back, Johnny had less than zero interest in meeting with Skippy Johnson, its gung-ho junior sales representative.

Skippy was getting nowhere with Johnny Lasagna. When Skippy finally got the big man on the phone, Johnny told him to come back in a few years after he had proven himself using someone else's nickel. No appointment, no meeting, no "I'll think it over" . . . nothing but a Ma Bell Boot.

Skippy's only prayer was to present his case to Johnny mano a mano, but he couldn't score an appointment. One day he dropped by the office to catch Johnny, but he never got past Frau Nunchucks, Johnny Lasagna's infamous receptionist.

Frau Nunchucks takes her job as gatekeeper seriously. She thrills in playing "Whack-a-Mole" on salesmen who pop up uninvited. A former East German Olympic weightlifter, the Frau bears a striking resemblance to the Green Bay Packers' offensive line, although she's not quite as feminine and doesn't shower as often.

He needs the Frau on his side, but how? Skippy came to the stark realization that the best way to get to Johnny might be through Frau Nunchucks' stomach.

Capital Hillary's Just Desserts, DC's most prestigious bakery is one of Skippy's clients. He stops in and buys Hillary's sinfully rich specialty, The Lincoln Bedroom Cheesecake.

Skippy drives directly to Frau Nunchucks and asks her a delicate question. "Fraulein, I was wondering if you could help me out of a tough situation?"

His candor and humility get the Frau's attention and curiosity.

Skippy continues, "I know that John is awfully busy. I'm guessing that he counts on you to keep him from being harassed by every jerk that comes in trying to sell him something."

The Frau smiles inwardly, because finally one of these numbskull salesmen recognizes her importance to the organization.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to tell you a little bit about what our company does because you probably know if it is something that Johnny should hear about.

It'll take about two minutes, and I brought you a Lincoln Bedroom Cheesecake from Capital Hillary's for your time. Hillary is one of my clients, and I always stop in when I'm on that side of town. I want you to keep the cheesecake even if you don't think John should listen to me. Fair enough?"

The Frau is very receptive because she feels respected, and she can't wait to dive into the Lincoln Bedroom.

Skippy went on, "In a nutshell, we're a major publisher of telephone books, and we're publishing a brand new Yellow Pages directory in this market. If John moves quickly, he can secure the premier position under "Roofing Contractors." Once he's got that spot, there's no way his competitors can ever knock him out of it.

But if his competitor signs up later today, there's no way that I can get John that position and he'll probably be furious that he got beat by the other guys again."

"That's the story. If you think he ought to see me, I'll stick around. If you don't think he'll care about losing first position, you keep the cheesecake and I'll be on my way.

Would you like me to go now, or do you think he might want to see me?"

The way Johnny tells it, the Frau burst into his office demanding that he meet with the nice man in the lobby . . . right now!

Johnny DID lock up first position, and is thrilled with all of the business his ads generate. He said that he now spends over $100,000 per year with Skippy, and considers it to be a great investment.

If it wasn't for that cheesecake, Johnny would have never advertised in the new directory.

The lesson here is for anyone.

Sometimes it takes a thoughtful gift (such as a cheesecake) along with plenty of respect and humility to get the receptionist helping you get through to the decision maker.

Most sales people walk into Johnny Lasagna's office with a "gimme, gimme, gimme" attitude. Skippy spent the time to get the receptionist on his side, and he blew the roof off.

PS. Except for the names, this story is true. The roofer shared it with the audience at a recent Yellow Pages conference. The roofer had glowing praise for the independent publisher, and he credited it all to a pie that the rep brought in when he couldn't get an appointment.

Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser back to top
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Buford always thought that he was an only child. He had been raised by a pack of possum near the Okefenokee Swamp.

It wasn't until years later that his natural parents let him come into the house and join the rest of the family.

Buford asked his father how many children he had, and his mean ol' pappy replied thusly . . .

"I have a daughter. She has as many brothers as she has sisters. Each one of her brothers has twice as many sisters as he has brothers.

You tell me how many sons and daughters I have."

Buford wonders why nobody in this darned family ever answers a simple question.

How many children does Buford's pappy have?

See the Answer & Our Celebrity Winner

7 Step Wipeout Technique back to top
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As you may know, I read everything that is written about Yellow Pages advertising.

One of my favorite books is The Wipeout Technique by Steve Hackney.

He's very practical and brings a freshness to the ideas that generate qualified leads.

You might want to read more about it.

7 Step Wipeout Technique

This Week in Pictures back to top
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Say hello to your new boss.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Liar, Liar pants on fire

Enough to drive a squirrel nuts back to top
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Tastes Great? . . . Less Filling?

(hic!) No wait, lemme try that again.

Bonus Brainteaser #1

Convenience Store back to top
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I've heard of one stop shopping, but this is ridiculous.

My sources tell me that this shopping center is located in Farmersville, Texas.

Why doesn't this surprise me?

Bonus Brainteaser #2

Who let these dogs out? back to top
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With the capture of that bad dog last week, these canines pine for peace.

I explained to my 8-year-old daughter how fortunate we are to live in a country where we can speak freely without fear of government retaliation. She wanted to know if we could stop for ice cream on the way home.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My personal history of the invention of the telephone

Beware of Dog? . . . I don't think so back to top
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I don't think this cat is afraid of any dog!

Bonus Brainteaser #3

The next best thing to an unlisted number back to top
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Yellow Pages humor . . .
I can't get enough of it.

May I go home now?

A quick, easy change that improves 90% of Yellow Page Advertisements

This Week's Brainteaser back to top
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In the '70s, Memorex ran a commercial with Ella Fitzgerald, (or maybe it was Ellen DeGeneres, I can't quite remember which) singing a note so powerfully that the sound shattered a wine glass. Then they played a recording of her singing the same note on Memorex tape and it shattered another wine glass.

My sister and I were amazed. We took turns screaming at our mother's good wine glasses to see if we could accomplish the same thing. Luckily, we were unsuccessful in breaking her wedding crystal. What the heck were we thinking, anyway?

This brings us to this week's brainteaser.

What is so fragile that it can be shattered simply by mentioning its name?

Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com

We'll select one entry to win one of the few remaining bottle-poppers with a year's supply of bragging rights.

To improve your random chances of winning, please include your name, company name and mailing address.

Want some free airtime? Send me a photo, idea, tip, quote or cash, and I'll throw you a link.
Quote of the Week back to top
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Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)