May 25, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in this issue
-- It ain't easy being so macho
-- The Yellow Pages Store is Open
-- Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
-- More lucrative than Girl Scout Cookies
-- Save 50% - That's almost half off!
-- Could somebody let the cat out of the bag?
-- When life gives you lemons . . . quit
-- His bat is worse than his bite
-- See through arm
-- You know what they say . . .
-- This Week's Brainteaser
-- Quote of the Week

Thanks for your patience since the last YPcommando newsletter. If this newsletter wasn't a labor of love, it'd just be labor.

Got a Good Ad?

I'm getting lots of requests from YP advertisers who have stumbled across the YPcommando.com website. Most are looking to see what types of ads really perform well.

I thought that it would be a good public service to display copies of ads that have performed well in various directories. I'm particularly looking for ads that performed exceedingly well in metered call tests. Strong ads that were not metered are also acceptable.

Send your ads to me at Dick@YPcommando.com. I'll give full credit to the person submitting the ad, and maybe a goodie or two out of my stash.

Muchos Nachos,
Dick

It ain't easy being so macho back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK, so I might not strike the casual observer as a massively macho dude.

As to my physique, I don't have bulging muscles. (Well ok, maybe one.) Still, I can barely muster the upper body strength to open a new bottle of ketchup.

Secondly, I'm decidedly uncool. For example, my one experience trying to look macho riding a motorcycle ended with me pinned under a Honda 250 with a fractured shin. This occurred exactly four seconds after I retracted the kickstand, well before I started the motor.

Finally, I never mastered the macho man swagger. I try walking like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood, but I end up looking like a drag queen trying out a new pair of stiletto heels. Trust me, it's anything but macho.

Despite these examples to the contrary, I can prove that I possess the single most powerful strand of macho DNA on earth.

I am utterly incapable of asking for directions.

It's just that I can't stand the thought of talking to a potential moron who knows more than I do and will probably make me look like an idiot in the process.

Oh, I'm not alone. Since the days of Christopher Columbus, the patron saint of misguided souls, men have been constructing ingenious methods to avoid asking for directions.

We have GPS systems, Internet mapping and navigation systems in our cars.

It's nothing new. Prehistoric men discovered that if they could find moss on a tree trunk, they could avoid asking some other Cro-Magnon which way was north.

So what does this have to do with the Yellow Pages?

The Yellow Pages Store is Open back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are several good books available on Yellow Pages advertising. I've put links to my picks in The Yellow Pages Store.

Check out these and other fine products in the YP Store

Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buford and Festus attended the annual Grubworm Festival, and entered the "Leg Wrassling" contest.

The winner will be crowned "Grubworm King" and there's plenty of pride at stake.

The contest is open to everyone, so Big Bertha convinced several women-folk to enter at the last moment.

The contest rules require every contestant to compete against every other contestant.

Because of the new entries, wrassling organizers had to schedule 26 more competitions.

How many new participants were there?

See the Answer & Our Celebrity Winner

More lucrative than Girl Scout Cookies back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The kids in my neighborhood have come to the realization that there are easier ways to raise money than to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

Every time they hold this sign up, somebody donates $200 to their club just so they'll put the sign down and go play.

Great tips from a Girl Scout Cookie Sales Champion

Save 50% - That's almost half off! back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kim Beales, TransWestern Publishing's lovely and talented Marketing Manager told me that she's offering a special to new national advertisers of (get this)

Half Off the rate card in 39 of TransWestern's Hottest Directories!

Gee, it seems to me like a pretty good way for a CMR to be a hero to his clients.

You don't even have to use a "club card" like at the supermarket.

It's a cool way to try advertising in TransWestern Publishing's Yellow Pages directories.

39 Directories offering 50% Discounts

Could somebody let the cat out of the bag? back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Some kind soul sewed little sleeping bags and tucked these little kittens into them.


"There's a fine line between a hobby and mental illness."
- Dave Barry

Why nobody advertises in the Yellow Pages

When life gives you lemons . . . quit back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The first step to success in sales, is to sell what people want to buy.

Of course, the trick is determining what they really want to buy in the first place.

If you live in California or Michigan . . . pack your bags

His bat is worse than his bite back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He's got a secret weapon against fighting CatWoman . . . the "Bat-Piddle"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whenever you're beating yourself up over making a stupid decision, remember William Orton, former President of Western Union.

Alexander Graham Bell offered to sell him outright ownership of all patents and assets of the Bell Telephone Company for $100,000.

Orton told Bell to buzz off.

Read my version of history of the telephone

See through arm back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This tattoo was probably pretty cool for the first month.

+++++++++++++++++++

Marian King needs a lawyer pronto, so what does she do?

Marian King's crackhead son

You know what they say . . . back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


You know what they say about the men with really big feet . . .



. . . they probably have really big shoes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Every wonder how some websites always show up at the top of the search engines?

It's called pay-for-performance web search, and it was invented by the fine folks at Overture. They dig the Yellow Pages Commando News (shows how cool they are) and they are offering special incentives to our subscribers to show how search marketing works.

Overture search listings reach over 80% of active U.S. Internet users with just one buy.

This Week's Brainteaser back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Every night Buford throws his pocket change into a bucket by his bed. He has amassed the tidy sum of $36.80.

Interestingly, he has equal numbers of quarters (25 cents), dimes (10 cents) and nickels (5 cents).

How many of each coin does Buford have?

Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com

I'm out of the "World Famous Bottle-Poppers", but if you're the winner, I'll send you something cool from our goodie closet.

To improve your random chances of winning, please include your name, company name and mailing address.

I draw the winner the day before I send the following newsletter, so enter early and often.

Do I have your company in my link directory?

Quote of the Week back to top
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."

- Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

If you wonder how I have the time to write this newsletter, you should check out Constant Contact. Their templates make it easy for anyone to look like a pro.

Permission Based Email Marketing - 60 Day Free Trial