January 12, 2004
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in this issue
-- How I found a new crack dealer
-- Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser
-- 7-Step Wipeout Technique
-- This Week in Pictures
-- Bad News . . . Good News
-- This could be my cousin's sign
-- Way better than the Natural Stone Window Company
-- The Michelangelo of Snow Sculpture
-- Need your springs wound a little tighter?
-- This Week's Brainteaser
-- Quote of the Week

How I found a new crack dealer back to top
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On the Sunday after New Year's, my wife insisted that we take down our Christmas decorations.

What's the big rush? Where I grew up, we used our Christmas lights to celebrate all three summer holidays, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, and the Winston Cup.

There’s nothing like colorful twinkling lights strung around the bug zapper to keep the holiday spirit alive all year round. That’s my motto.

My wife and I are Midwestern refugees who fled to San Diego seeking political asylum . . . or maybe it was sunshine, I can’t remember which. Still, we miss the Chicago Christmas traditions. Somehow, the “Surfin’ Santa Beach Party” doesn’t evoke the same classic holiday emotions as chestnuts roasting on an open fire or walking pneumonia for that matter.

To overcompensate for our homesickness and petty, shallow sentiments, we decorate our home as if we were preparing to host the Perry Como Christmas Special.

We found a beautiful pine tree that had been nurtured in rich Oregon volcanic topsoil. It’s lush green branches told the story of being kissed with sunshine and bathed with pure Northwestern rainwaters in some remote forest sanctuary. It was a fine, proud Douglas Fir.

And then it was ripped from the earth to provide a seasonal decoration for our fleeting momentary pleasure.

They say that only God can make a tree.

Hopefully, he’ll make more.

After my wife had removed the ornaments, I briefly awoke from my bowl game induced coma to drag the dead tannenbaum out of our house. My wife graciously offered to help me carry the carcass down the hill to the curb, but possessing more testosterone than brains, I shooed her womanliness away.

As I manhandled the bush, I felt a twinge in my lower back. Not a particularly bad twinge, but definitely a twinge.

After briefly making like Paul Bunyan, I celebrated my accomplishment by resuming the football marathon and devouring an entire bag of Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos.

The next morning, the twinge had become a serious cramp. By the time I got to work, I was so bent over it looked like I was auditioning for a Paris Hilton video.

My back had flown south for the winter, and I was spineless enough to be elected to the French Parliament.

I needed a crack dealer. Some people call them chiropractors. I hadn’t needed one for a dozen years, and I didn’t have the patience to get a referral.

I had seen ads on local cable television for a chiropractic clinic near my home. I was pretty sure that I remembered their name, but I was not exactly sure where they were located. My exposure to them was solely through their TV advertising.

I opened the Yellow Pages to get their number. I guess I could have opened the white pages, but I instinctively opened the Yellow Pages.

Coincidentally, the clinic that I was looking for had the first position ad.

Their Yellow Pages ad reinforced the message that I had received from their TV ads. It gave me plenty of the information I needed. I called and was in their office within an hour. The receptionist (who looks like she’s about 14 years old) very politely asked where I got their phone number. They’re tracking results.

What I find reassuring is that my three visits to the clinic have all been very positive. The entire staff is very friendly, accommodating and professional. On Monday I was hobbling like the Crypt Keeper and on Thursday, I’m skipping like a schoolgirl.

These chiropractors spend quite a bit of money advertising on TV, radio, The Pennysaver and direct mail. Their repeated TV ads made me aware of their clinic, but their directory advertising sealed the deal.

Had I opened the Yellow Pages and not seen an ad for them, I would have probably gone to a chiropractor who provided me with all of the information that I needed to make a decision. It turns out that I drove past four other chiropractors on the way to the one I called. I simply hadn’t noticed them before.

Their Yellow Pages advertising was the critical final link in the chain converting me from a disinterested person to a committed client.

The moral of the story is . . .

Here's their ad in our San Diego Costal Directory

Answer to Last Week's Brainteaser back to top
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In the ‘70s, Memorex ran a commercial with Ella Fitzgerald, (or maybe it was Ellen DeGeneres, I can’t quite remember which) singing a note so powerfully that the sound shattered a wine glass. Then they played a recording of her singing the same note on Memorex tape and it shattered another wine glass.

My sister and I were amazed. We took turns screaming at our mother's good wine glasses to see if we could accomplish the same thing. Luckily, we were unsuccessful in breaking her wedding crystal. What the heck were we thinking, anyway?

This brings us to this week’s brainteaser.

What is so fragile that it can be shattered simply by mentioning its name?

See the Answer & Our Celebrity Winner

7-Step Wipeout Technique back to top
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I read everything I can find on Yellow Pages advertising.

One of my favorite e-books is The Wipeout Technique by Steve Hackney.

He's very practical and brings a freshness to the ideas that generate qualified leads.

You might want to read more about it.

7-Step Wipeout Technique

This Week in Pictures back to top
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This is the sign that Steve Irwin's wife posted in their backyard.

I suppose it proves that Darwinism is alive and well.

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I'm putting together a store of Yellow Pages educational items

Bad News . . . Good News back to top
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The bad news is that we're lost.

The good news is that we're making great time.

I started a blog for things I come across.

This could be my cousin's sign back to top
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Uh ok . . .

but what do you sell?

Whoever thought this up deserves an award

Way better than the Natural Stone Window Company back to top
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OK, one more time. . .

See through windows . . .

Walk through doors.

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What not to say to an advertiser

The Michelangelo of Snow Sculpture back to top
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This is one of my favorite snow sculptures of all time.

Speaking of Michelangelo and Homer Simpson . . .

Need your springs wound a little tighter? back to top
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Ed's a little too serious about opening garage doors.


Yellow Pages humor . . .
I can't get enough of it.

May I go home now?

5 steps for overcoming shyness

This Week's Brainteaser back to top
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This week’s brainteaser comes from Vicki Welch. This type of puzzle was a favorite of Ben Franklin’s, but he’s dead so Vicki gets the credit.

How can you rearrange the following numbers in the grid so that the sum of any three numbers horizontally, vertically and diagonally equals 15? You must keep three rows and three columns.

Email your answer to puzzler@dicklarkin.com

We'll select one entry to win one of the few remaining bottle-poppers with a year's supply of bragging rights.

To improve your random chances of winning, please include your name, company name and mailing address.

Want some free airtime? Send me a photo, idea, tip, quote or cash, and I'll throw you a link.
Quote of the Week back to top
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Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821)