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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yellow Pages Commando News by Dick Larkin Where Art Thou Been Hiding? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Where Art Thou Been Hiding? -- Ode to Kerry Randall -- Answer to the last Redneck Riddle™ -- Rubik's Cubicle -- Kathy Hipple Joins Yellow Pages Association Board -- I always wondered where you bought those things. -- May the farce be with you. -- Oh Deer! -- It's not WHO you know . . . -- Dental humor. Somebody please shoot me. -- This Month's Redneck Riddle™ -- Quote of the Week Where Art Thou Been Hiding? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's been a few months since the last YP Commando News, so I should probably explain the silence. Well, I took a little time off work, and my lovely wife produced a list of honey-dos that I had successfully dodged for the better part of a decade. I'm just now coming up for air. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it. I did take a few free moments to participate in some grueling sporting events . . . I went horseback riding and was almost thrown by a bucking stallion. I played an intense game of "Hot potato" at Disneyland against a gang of 5-year-olds. They poured their little hearts into it, but in the end, my cat-like reflexes proved too much for the munchkins. Everything was perfect until one little girl ruined my "In Your Face - You Big Disgrace" victory dance when she burst into tears. Geez, what a spoil sport. This is probably a good time to mention that the Yellow Pages Commando News is no longer affiliated with any YP publisher. The only agenda I promote is my own. In the upcoming editions, I will be expanding the scope of this newsletter to address online marketing and other "Commando Style Marketing Tactics" in addition to print Yellow Pages. Future topics will cover: Syndicated Yellow Pages Research - How to cut through the spin and really know what's working for advertisers A Bare-knuckled Review of the top Internet Yellow Pages - Look who's getting screwed now Commando Tactics for Marketing Your Small Business on the Internet - It's easier than you think. Sales Training Series - How to be a Miserable Failure in Yellow Pages Sales - a satirical approach to local advertising sales. Ode to Kerry Randall ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is my first newsletter since learning of the untimely passing of my friend and fellow Yellow Pages enthusiast, Kerry Randall. Kerry authored "Win the Yellow Pages War," and "The Lawyer's Guide to Effective Yellow Pages Advertising." I was honored when the American Bar Association asked me to write the review for the back cover of the second edition of his book which recently published. I have found that the Yellow Pages industry is filled with wonderfully interesting, off-the-wall personalities. Must be something in the water. Kerry, may your spirit forever shine. Pre-order the new Second Edition of Lawyer's Guide to Effective YP at Amazon Answer to the last Redneck Riddle™ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Festus told Buford that George Washington, the father of our country, was actually born on February 11 instead of February 22, the date we officially recognize as Washington's birthday. Buford's third-grade teacher, Ms. Interpretation, confirmed that, despite not having a lick of common sense, Festus was indeed correct on this issue. So why do we recognize GW's birthday as the 22nd when he was actually born on the 11th? See the Answer & the Celebrity Winner of Killer Techniques. Rubik's Cubicle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I cried because I had no office until I met a man who had no cubicle." - Dilbert Four Fatal Flaws in Your Yellow Pages Advertising Kathy Hipple Joins Yellow Pages Association Board ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kathy Hipple, CEO, Ambassador Yellow Pages (not shown here), is appointed to the YPA Board of Directors. Kathy joins Jerry DiPippo, president, The Community Phone Book by DataNational, as the second independent publisher board member. Ambassador publishes 5 directories in New York and is known for being a very tough competitor. I have great confidence that she'll hold her own next to the big boys. I always wondered where you bought those things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is how the latest fight with my wife started. She said, "Honey, where are you going?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That reminds me . . . What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam! When people ask me know how to build word-of-mouth advertising, this is what I tell them. May the farce be with you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who would have guessed that the Death Star was actually a moped? I suppose this explains why he was always in such a pissy mood. Oh Deer! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Apparently, the buck stops here. Looks like he got cold-cocked. It's not WHO you know . . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, actually, it IS who you know. The other day, I looked through my contact list noting all of the big hitters in the Yellow Pages, newspaper and local online media industries, and I came to a startling conclusion. It's my turn to buy about 300 people the next round of drinks. Dang! No seriously, I realized that nearly all of the important contacts I've made throughout the years, I've met at the Kelsey conferences. The upcoming conference is my very favorite. Drilling Down on Local gets to the heart of developments in the world of online marketing in the belly-to-belly world of small business. If you're coming, drop me a line, so we can chat. If you're not coming, just mail me a beer. I'll owe you one. More about DDC2006 and the impressive number of speakers Dental humor. Somebody please shoot me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The dentist who put this sign up probably thinks he's way funnier than those wild and crazy accountants down the hall. Probably been sampling his own nitrous oxide. This Month's Redneck Riddle™ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Buford and Festus's "scam du jour" is to issue their own currency. That way, they will never run out of money. It's so simple that they can't believe no one thought of it before. Their three monetary units are Dingleberries, Fartwinkles and Skeeters. 2 Fartwinkles are worth 3 Skeeters 4 Skeeters are worth 1 Dingleberry So, 6 Dingleberries are worth how many Fartwinkles? Email your answer to currency@redneckriddles.com The winner will receive 15 minutes of uninterrupted fame. What the heck I'm feeling generous, so I'll throw in copy of my new CD, "Commando Tactics for Marketing Your Small Business Online." To improve your random chances of winning, please include your name, company name, and mailing address. I draw the winner the day before I send the following newsletter, so keep voting until the polls close. Quote of the Week ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." - Barry Switzer Former football coach for the University of Oklahoma and the Dallas Cowboys. Several kind folks have inquired about sponsoring this newsletter. Maybe I'm being a knucklehead, but I'm not interested in running a bunch a crappy ads just to make a couple of bucks. On the other hand, 10,250 of the most influential leaders in local marketing read this rag, and they like to know what's going on. If you have a truly remarkable product or service, drop me a line and we'll chat. Please don't get your panties in a wad if I politely decline. I'll only promote companies or services that I think are extraordinarily valuable to my readers. Thanks for your support. Contact Information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ email: news@ypcommando.com voice: (760) 579-1005 web: http://www.YPcommando.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~